hi, im in eleventh grade. and things are... not good as i imagine back then before 11th grade. it's been a month and a lot have been happened and one of it might already change my life (in bad conotation). I can't hold it anymore and it slowly killing me, but i don't know who to tell about my feeling these days, well it's quiet emotional and dramatic i guess but i don't know. in only one week i already lost my only bestfriend in school, my grades are down, everyone starts getting better than me, got labeled as non-military threat by government, made my friends mad at me because i hug them too much and now i cant give affection no more, i mean i can but now i know theyre actually get a little uncomfort by me so. idfk what the fuck is happening to me.

I just really want to talk about my friend Aqsa. so to explain why i lost my only bestriend is actually because two things. first, i come out to him after forced to hangout with his friendgroups, i told him that my sexual orientation is pointed to male. but he fine with it as far as i know, but im sure deep inside he starting to feel deep disgust to me but he's good at hiding it. he's so good at hiding feelings and also faking it. second, it's actually my fault. i once hug him too much couple days after the hangout with his friendgroup, i was... idk i really want to hug him since he stil want to be friends with me after i come out (idk if that's a lie). so i hug him to much and he mad at me, but i don't know if both are the main reason that he's start to keep away himself from me. but then i remember something, since i'm a very emotionally unstable person i confront him and i promise im not gonna bother him anymore. wanna know why? ever since that "hugging" and "come out" incident he's... wait no, ever since we turned to 11th grade. he looks very bored when i play or talk with him, he shows a lot of uncomfort signs even he always change topics immediately when i want to talk with him and not kind of topics we can talk, literally like for ragebaiting and to makes me stop talking, he stops coming to me, i mean sometimes he sit besides me in musholla but still showing that sign of.. fuck idk.

so the promise begin, he actually denied that promise probbbbly because he don'w want to look as best friend beside his new bestfriend. but im still doing it, so idk if all of this are my own fault but you know what? he dont give a FUCK about it, he dont really FUCKING CARES about IT. i forgot he has a new bestfriend anyway. he change a lot from his looks to personality, well not gonna lie he's having a huge glow up and he super handsome.

they look very playful, they laugh together like how stereotypical bestfriend does, sometimes even they can look like brothers, so i realised maybe it's not him the one who broke our friendship. its me.

im so confused, am i really that bad as a friend? wait no, i think everyone just bored at me. you know all this time i just realised people saw me as a kid trapped in bigass adult sized teenager, they act nice to me because.. i'm innocent. i'm not good or bad, i'm just innocent to them. and i'm a fucking robot helper machine. but.. okay before i continue i might sounds like im jealous to his new bestriend (well yea a little) but no, i love him too. Aqsa's new bestfriend named Arsyad is kinda similliar to me i mean the innocent vibes and stuff, the only difference is that he's quite naive.. might be too naive but hey don't get me wrong im extremely naive too. which make me thinking, maybe yea it's me, im the fucking problem.

and now. i don't know what to say again. im so freaking lonely right now, it's like having a breakup, maybe it is but idk. i really miss him, i reall miss him, maybe if i act chill a little more back then today is gonna be fine, i still can talk with my friends, i can hug my friends. i don't know what to do. you readers don't know how much i love him (in friends way) like every second spending times with him is the funniest, happy, fun moment i had in a day. now after all of that i don't know what to do. im such a pathetic friends. if i have doctor strages power im gonna rewind the times. you know what i regret the most? im not good enough as a bestfriend, i should help him more and ask more about his conditions and daily life. i know i really know he's going trough a hard times in academic and family. i just really miss you Aqsa. i wish i can be your good friends. you really nice to me. and yeah btw if you guys asking do you both still chat in school or social media, No. he never chat me again, he never comes to me in school again.

And please if you read this, Are we still friends?

it's okay if not the choice is yours, but i please answer this second question.

Am i really that not good as a friend?